We hold on to hurt like its a battle scar, proof of love. We hold on to it until it suffocates us. We hold on to it and allow it to poison future relationships. We sometimes don’t even realize that the suffering is perpetrated by others around us, that it serves others to keep us in that pattern of regret, feeling like a victim and feeling angry.
What could we accomplish if we realized we are stronger than we think? Or that we definitely do not need to hold on to these grudges, not for anyone and especially not for us?
Once upon a time, I was in love
I have been in love. Fabulous guy. He was my best friend for years and probably the most respectful and kind man I have ever dated — well, okay maybe like in the top five! — but I loved him. I would even say it was the first time in my life that I have trusted someone so completely.
It was that kind of love that would make you sick!
The kind of love where we would kiss on railway platforms, at the door, until the train was ready to depart and the door closed. The kind of love where we forgot to eat because we were so lost in each other. The kind of love where, with a glance, we knew we needed to rescue each other at a party!
The kind of love with brilliant inside jokes — hey! I do not apologize for The Walking Dead being an influence on our weird inside jokes, gnashing teeth is sexy with the right context! — the kind of love that came with great sex and intimacy.
I mean the kind of love that makes you finally understand what romantic movies and songs are all about.
Do you know that kind of love? If you do, you are one of the lucky ones!
And of course, I found it and then I did the unspeakable. I lost that love.
If you lose communication and trust, it’s over
There were many reasons it ended. Where we both were in life. What we expected. But I would say the primary reason — which to be fair I’d say is the main cause of most relationships falling apart — was we stopped communicating with each other.
- The first step is losing communication.
- The second step is losing trust because you are not communicating.
- Then it is a hop skip and a jump away from losing each other completely.
Instead of communicating our needs, desires, instead of discussing and compromising, we drift apart and suddenly it’s over and you are left wondering how.
External factors are just that, external factors. Other influences, other people whispering in your ear, other people hitting on your partner, the cheating, the lying, and so on and so on, are just symptoms of a root cause of a breakup — he’s just not that into you.
Yup the movie, while degenerating into cliché in the end, was actually true in its core theory! And men, that goes for women too. If they are not communicating with you openly, if they are playing manipulative games, and trust is lacking — then they aren’t into you either!
Now of course I was hurt when it ended. I was devastated to lose such intimacy and a trusted best friend. However, within a few months, it was my friend’s continued reactions to the situation, primarily the need to allocate blame that caused me to step away from the hurt and create a different reality for myself post-love.
We control our reactions and our hurt
There was so much anger. Not from me, but from my friends. They were convinced he was an asshole. That he was in the wrong to let us go. That it was his ex who had influenced our demise. That he had thrown away true love. That he treated me poorly. Yet, I had not perpetuated that story. For me, he was still that kind guy, the respectful guy that I had loved.
That is when it hit me.
This is the story we tell ourselves so that we can avoid responsibility.
It must be all his fault. Because if it isn’t his fault then I would have to take responsibility for the demise of the relationship. Accepting responsibility means we can’t play the victim, we can’t self impose suffering, we can’t wallow. But the reality was — and is — that I have to take responsibility for my own life, for my own feelings, and for my own actions.
It takes two people to hurt each other in a relationship. The person doing the hurting and the person choosing to feel hurt.
While I don’t condone behaviors like lying, cheating, or betrayal of any kind, I also hope that I take responsibility for how I react to it.
- If I chose to be with that distrustful and unkind man — what does that say about my judgment?
- If I forgive that man and stay with him even after his indiscretion — that is my choice and anything that happens after that is on me isn’t it?
- If I am lied to — I have a choice to remove the liar from my life and then move on with openness and happiness.
Yes, perhaps this is an oversimplification, and yes it takes a lot more work to do in reality….but…what’s the alternative? Suffering for a year? Two years?
What is that rule about breakups? It takes half the amount of time you were together to get over it? Wow. That feels like a lot of time to spend wallowing and feeling hurt and not moving forward, doesn't it?
In the end, it’s our choice what we take from it
Many women will make blanket statements about men when they are — yet again — hurt by a man. Of course, I do not want my friends and others to feel hurt and betrayed, but I don’t want them to believe that this is endemic to all men either! There are good men out there, admit it, we all know at least one.
Conversely, I definitely do not want men to think all women are manipulative nags or shrews because they happened to date women who were in the past!
Choosing to live with suffering, betrayal, and hurt is no way to live. The only person this hurts is you
Of course, we are hurt when a relationship ends, but why on earth do we choose to hold on to that hurt and never trust again? The only person this hurts is us.
If I choose not to trust again, then I would never get that kind of love again — and damn that kind of love is worth getting hurt over again! Because while it’s real and while we have it, it is the most beautiful feeling in the world. If I close myself off then that means I would miss out on those great bits too.
Stop being angry at my ex
A friend, who by all standards is a good person, went to see an ex-boyfriend of mine and his son. She texted me afterward to apologize for not asking me for my permission. My permission? It had been four — maybe five — years since the relationship ended!
Her feelings were that I should still feel betrayed, angry, and hurt by the fact he let go of our love and moved on.
But here’s the thing, after our relationship ended, and shortly thereafter he met his future wife and had a beautiful little boy. In fact, I went for a drink with him a couple of years ago and he is still a good man, kind and respectful and I am glad to report as happy as he deserves to be!
So what was my response to her? I told her the truth, which is — it is none of my business. She does not need to worry or check in with me whether she sees him or doesn’t see him. I won’t be angry or feel betrayed.
I will no longer support this story. Men are not evil. I am not a victim. And I won’t act like it because you need me to justify your own stories, your own pain, your own blame, or a grudge against your ex.
I won’t take that mantel, I will not perpetuate the anger or hurt because it serves someone else’s story for me to do so. My friend always felt it was a betrayal to give up on the love she had been witness to, but hey — in the end there were two people in the relationship — we both did that.
It is not always easy to live without love, but I make it a choice not to live in anger, regret, or pain either.
These were my final words to him those many years ago:
“Remember that first week we hooked up? You asked me “do I regret it?” Do you remember my response? It is still true today. That while we may lose a friendship that I believe we both value…I will never regret it. You have shown me how love can be, and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. Thank you.”
Heal the hurt. Move past the pain.
Choose to remember the good and then look for the good bits again with someone else. Wishing you much (self) love and happiness.
