“Are you an escort?” is not a compliment
Men can be insecure. Women can be insecure. It takes guts to go up to someone you are interested in and ask them out. I respect that initiative immensely.
heck, we have all been hurt, cheated on, and there is always a moment in life where we consequently dislike whichever sex we are dating. I get it. I have had my moments.
However, that does not mean we should treat each other with less respect, less kindness or ignore polite responses to “asking out” initiatives.
Friends were hosting a BBQ in their backyard.
There were some people I knew and there were some people I didn’t know. I was introduced to one man and he was clearly interested in me, however, I was not interested in him.
Why not? Ey — various reasons, that are my own, and no one needs to explain why or make excuses for not being attracted to someone else (see below).
So anyway, I am not interested and I say “I am going over there to talk to my friend, enjoy the party.”
He follows me to the next conversation. He interrupts another conversation by speaking to me and blocking my other friend physically. He tries to isolate me time and time again, basically following me around the backyard.
Okay, my patience is being tested and I do not feel at all comfortable, do I have to be rude to make my point? Finally, he leaves, I am polite as I wave him goodbye, he is a friend of the host after all, but I am relieved.
Now through all these conversations and interruptions and rudeness, he proceeded to insult me several times and yes, these were often in the guise of a backhanded compliment, such as:
“Are you an escort?”
My response was incredulous, to say the least. “Did you just call me an escort, i.e. a prostitute?” and I exited the conversation once more…but here is where it gets really interesting.
The friend hosting the BBQ, and another male friend, proceed to tell me that I am the issue in this exchange, i.e. if I know he is trying to compliment me why can’t I take it as a compliment and be flattered.
This is the equivalent of saying “he only beats you because he loves you.”
And the answer to both is unequivocal — NO.
No, an insult is not a compliment. No, he does not beat you because he loves you. And until women are willing to accept and demand that:
- “No, it is not my job to interpret your poor communication for you”
- “No, it is not my job to know your disrespect is meant as a compliment”
- “No, it is not my job to make you feel better about your inability to communicate.”
- “It is your job to learn how to communicate with respect and kindness”
- “It is your prerogative not to learn to communicate but I am not incumbent to take and insult as a compliment because that’s how you “meant” it.”
If we accept this behaviour then that person may never learn to treat you with respect and is “beating” as a form of affection really that far behind? In my experience, they are close cousins.
Consider another scenario.
If a woman is at the pub and a guy comes over and asks “can I buy you a drink?” are we obliged to say “Yes”? Of course not.
On the other hand, if we say “No, thanks” and do not give any indication that shows them further advancement is welcome, why do they feel it is alright to ask “Why? You married?”, “Why? You got a boyfriend?” “What’s your problem?”
Why does another man need to be involved in the equation for a man to understand “No.” Why does there even need to be a problem?
“Most men fear getting laughed at or humiliated by a romantic prospect while most women fear rape and death.”― Gavin de Becker
So now the woman feels that she needs to be super clear to make sure no further advancement is taken and potentially to feel safe again. “I am not interested in you or pursuing a conversation with you.”
When you don’t accept the “no” and we have to give a stronger “no” response, the correct response is not “Why are you being a bitch?”
Stop labelling women “difficult” or a “bitch” just because they say “no” or don’t take your insult as a compliment.
We shouldn't be forced to be rude or to be labelled “bitch” because you could not accept a polite “no thanks”. You politely asked us if we want a drink, we respect that. We politely responded no thanks, why can’t that be respected? Why does it need to get disrespectful?
This theory, perpetrated by men and women, that you first need to put a woman down and insult her, and then compliment her as a means to pick her up. Please stop.
This theory, that men must always prove their masculinity by approaching a woman and if she says no she is just playing hard to get. Please stop.
Granted women have helped to perpetuate this issue by accepting these games but. Please stop.
Perhaps it is cliche to say “I am sick of this game”, but…I am sick of this game. It is not doing us any good. Women are being treated poorly, and men feel they are treated unfairly when they make the effort to approach a woman.
A compliment is a compliment. An insult is an insult. We are not in the children’s playground anymore where hair pulling is a boy's way of showing he likes you. In the adult playground respect and kindness are underrated and need to come back into play.
Let’s teach boys and girls that communicating respect and kindness means a heck of a lot more — and can get you what you want — more than an insult ever will.
Women can stand up for each other and support each other in these situations, and must be the sounding boards for our male friends, brothers, colleagues.
Let’s do better.
